Bliss
by Perplexity
Summary: She knew it was deceitful, she knew it was wrong, but at this point she just wanted Remus to be happy. And in some twisted way, it would be comforting that he would love her.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor any related materials, characters, terminology etc.**

Bliss 

He deserved all the happiness in the world. That much, she knew. She could not stand to see him waste away, spending every free minute basking in that Pensieve. She knew how much he missed her, although it had been so many years ago that she had died.

Nymphadora Tonks was in love with Remus Lupin. She knew it and he knew it, but he refused her none the less. He used the excuse that he was old, poor and dangerous, but that they could remain friends. Tonks knew better. Although he would never say it aloud, he was still in love with her, Noel, a woman that had died years ago, at the beginning of the first war. Hence, Remus did all that he could to keep her memory alive in him, reliving every moment they had together over and over again in that damn Pensieve.

He had given the Pensieve into Tonks' care when he went to live among the werewolves. Although she knew she shouldn't, Tonks poured over the memories so that she knew each one down to the smallest detail, so that she knew _her _better than anyone besides Remus did.

Tonks could not help but feel stabs of jealously towards the dead woman, but they faded when she saw how happy Remus was with her. Now it only came down to how she, Tonks, could make Remus happy as well. But, this had to take a back seat, seeing that a second war was raging in the world. For now the fact that Remus was alive had to do.

Eventually the war ended, the side of good prevailing, and eventually Remus came back. Tonks couldn't be happier to see him, but he on the other hand was hollow and shrank from her presence. Despite how much she loved him, Tonks left him alone.

Months after the war ended, after countless nights of worrying on Tonks' part, Remus came. Early one morning Tonks opened her door to see him standing before her, as pallid and worn as ever.

"Remus! You finally came!" said Tonks, embracing him tightly. He did not make an effort to hug her back. Instead, he just let out a long breath.

"Hello Nymphadora," he said.

"I missed you."

"You shouldn't have," said Remus monotonously.

"How are you? I mean, living with all the other werewolves and—" started Tonks anxiously.

"Do you still have the Pensieve?" interrupted Remus with a tired drawl.

"Yes, I'll go get it."

Tonks wanted to sit back on her bed and cry. She knew that Remus could never love her as she loved him, but she had hoped that when the war was over things would at least be better than they had been. She took a deep breath and brought out the Pensieve to him. He took it possessively, as if she had stolen it from him. Tonks knew she had to say something.

"Remus, I know you loved her more than anything, but you cannot live your life in the past. She's not coming back. You deserve to be happy. Please just—"

"Goodbye Nymphadora."

At that, Remus left. Tonks sunk to the floor. She had to do something, anything. Then it came to her. She would disappear; no one would miss her all that much. In her stead, Noel would live once more. She knew it was deceitful, she knew it was wrong, but at this point she just wanted Remus to be happy. And in some twisted way, it would be comforting that he would love her.

A few days later she sealed her home and left a note that she had moved to Siberia to "get away from it all." No one would ever know. Tonks concentrated hard on a memory of Noel, imitating her form perfectly. Remus wouldn't know. She imitated her movements and speech so impeccably that Tonks was not even sure who she was anymore. That was all right though, she was willing to lose herself to make Remus happy.

She apparated to his front door, almost shaking because she was so nervous. She knocked sharply, but no one answered. She knocked again and heard the squeaking of floorboards inside the house. The door opened slowly and she took in a sharp breath, as Remus stood disheveled before her with a look of pure shock on his face.

"Hello Remus," she said.

Remus just stood there for a minute. Then he shook himself out of his revere and engulfed her.

"Your dead," he sobbed, his tears soaking into her robes.

"No, I'm not," said Tonks softly, stroking his hair.

"How?"

"It is a long story. It doesn't matter, what matters is that I am here."

"I love you so much," said Remus kissing her forehead.

It went exactly as Tonks had planned. She was Noel and she had never seen Remus so happy. The lie didn't matter as long as he was happy. And as long as he was happy, she was happy.

Tonks lived with that mindset for three years. In that time they both found jobs, had gotten a home and had gotten married. Well, Noel had gotten married, but Tonks tried to take some gratification out of it; she just wished that her parents had been able to see her wedding day. But, no, it did not matter anymore, she wasn't Tonks, she was Noel and Noel was happy. Tonks was only a vague memory that would soon be gone altogether.

For three years, Noel lived each day smiling because Remus smiled with her. She breathed because he breathed. He was her life. Everything for him; there was nothing she would deny him. At least that is what she thought, until it all changed.

"Hello love," said Remus, walking in the door one day, giving her a long kiss.

"How was work?" said Noel with a soft smile.

"It went well. I had an epiphany."

"Oh really?"

"Yes," said Remus kissing her again. "I think we should have children."

"Children?" choked Noel.

"Yes, you know, those small, brat-like people?"

"I—" started Noel.

"Noel, I love you more than anything, if you are not ready it is all right," said Remus softly with a smile.

"I—" choked Noel again.

"It's alright, love. Don't worry about it."

That night everything changed. Noel lied there in Remus's arms, love radiating from his sleeping form. Yet, she felt cold. Just like that, Noel was gone and all that remained was a sad, lonely Tonks. She thought she would be able to take it. She thought that Remus loving her as Noel would be just as good as him loving her as Tonks. But she had been wrong. For three years, she had deceived herself, for three years she had been miserable without knowing it. She had to ignore it though; she had to keep the façade going. Remus deserved happiness.

From then on, she tried to ignore the stabbing sensation in her gut whenever Remus told her how much he loved Noel. She was in limbo; she no longer knew who she was. She was torn between her love for Remus, her loyalty to Noel and her honesty to herself. It was a raging battle that no one could know about, but was still tearing her apart. She became careless, more and more so until one day she splinched herself when returning from work. It was a bloody mess and landed her unconscious in St. Mungo's.

She woke up eventually, with a healer leaning over her.

"How are you, Mrs. Lupin?"

"I am not feeling too well," she said before puking into a bucket next to her.

"Yes, that can happen when someone splinches themselves as badly as you did. I am though confused on why you changed appearances when we put you back together," said the healer.

"I what?"

The healer conjured a mirror. She looked in it to see Tonks, not Noel staring back at her.

"Dammit!" cried Tonks, trying in vain to morph back.

"Mrs. Lupin, your husband is here to see you," said an assistant healer, popping his head in the door.

"No!" said Tonks diving under the covers of her bed.

Remus entered anyway. "Noel, what are you doing? You need to rest love."

"Please go away. I look like hell," said Tonks, trying to cover herself.

Remus sat down on the edge of the bed. "Noel, you know I will love you no matter what you look like," he said with a slight laugh.

"No, you won't," said Tonks with a sob. She had never been so terrified in her life. He could not know.

"Noel, what's wrong? I have never seen you like this."

Tonks choked down another sob. "I know love, I am sorry. But, for my sake, do you think you could just go home? I'm fine, I just need to be alone to think for a while."

"Alright, " said Remus, kissing the top of her head through the blanket.

It took Tonks all day to regain any of her morphing powers. Even then, she could retain the form of Noel for more than five seconds. She did not know what to do. Finally exhausted she sat back and cried. And with tears came sleep for indeed the splinching and the morphing had taken a lot out of her.

She woke up early the next morning and tried morphing again. She looked in the mirror; no trace of Tonks remained. She was Noel now and forever.

Remus came. Noel greeted him with a warm smile and a kiss.

"I think I can go home now," she said softly.

"Are you sure?" said Remus.

"Yes, I am sure," said Noel.

"Alright, but I don't want you apparating for some time," warned Remus.

"Of course not," she agreed.

A child with a mischievous grin and mousy brown hair ran up and down the hallway, shrieking with delight. Suddenly she was swept up by the arms of an elderly woman who smiled down at her and tickled her tummy.

"Noel, I don't think it is wise to pick that thing up; it might be rabid," chided an elderly man.

"Remus, don't talk about your granddaughter like that," scolded the woman with a smile.

Remus smiled. "You know, she really reminds me of someone I knew long ago."

"Really, who's that dear?"

"A friend: Nymphadora Tonks."

"You have never mentioned her. I wonder what her mother was thinking when she named her that," said Noel.

"I always thought it was a lovely name," mused Remus. "I believe she died a few years back."

"I am sorry; I would have liked to meet her."

"Yes, I think you would have liked her. She was a very sweet girl."

Noel smiled. Remus had always been a wonderful man. She wondered about this Nymphadora. She had a feeling that she would have thought the same thing, that she had cared a lot about Remus. She thought that they would both agree that Remus deserved all the happiness in the world.


End file.
